I Got a Bottle
by Crafty Lefty
Summary: A parody of the songfic subgenre. Star Fox hits the town in their spare time. Pent-up boredom plus alcohol plus more alcohol equals craziness. Who's got Patron and Henney?


**A/N: So let me just start out by saying that I'm really not a fan of songfics. I think that music is totally subjective and everyone gets something different out of listening to the same song. That being said, a songfic relies heavily on the author's interpretation of the overall tone and message of the song he's using. And because of that, the story can read differently based on a reader's interpretation of the same song. It just doesn't work for me. This is a parody of the whole songfic thing in general, isn't a shot at any one person, and is totally meant for humor. The song used is I Got a Bottle by Trina. Because what better music to set a songfic to than some female crunk rap? Enjoy!**

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**I got a bottle, I got a cup, I got ice, so what's up? Walk in the club wearin' superstar clothes, feelin' like money 'cause I collect dough. Moe, miney, meenie, inny, who's got Patron and Henney?**

Fox and Krystal stood in front of the entrance to their favorite club in Corneria City. Even with the giant line behind him, the bouncer unhooked the velvet rope as soon as he recognized them. The two were celebrities in the city and earned perks like this because of it. The Star Fox team just arrived in the city the day before and hit the town as soon as possible. Peppy was out with some old academy buddies in a more mature setting and Falco was out in his own favorite club. Slippy wasn't one to go clubbing, so he elected to stay back and bury his nose in more mechanics. It made him happy, so no one objected.

Fox was dressed in a simple, tight white shirt with a brown designer jacket overtop. He also had on his favorite faded jeans and brown sneakers. Krystal was wearing a white tube top and black leather crop jacket, showing off her toned abdomen. They were both dressed for the atmosphere and blended into the crowd quite well. The first place they headed once in the club was up to the bar. The two both preferred to have a few drinks in them before hitting the dance floor.

Not long after they bought their first drinks, someone recognized them. A light-gray wolf walking by immediately recognized the two and spoke up.

"Hey! You're the two from Star Fox right?! Holy shit, it's so awesome to meet you!"

Neither Fox nor Krystal wanted to say anything. They didn't like running into fans when they were out because it generally ended up in a mob of admirers.

The wolf spoke again. "Seriously, you guys are my heroes! You have no idea. Here, let me buy you a drink."

As he motioned to the bartender, Fox stopped him. "No dude, you really don't have to."

"No, I insist. After everything you guys have done, it's the least I can do. Seriously."

Fox looked at Krystal and began to smile. "Well, I've never been one to turn away a free drink."

**I been sippin' on Cavalli, that shit's so strong. Like Paris Hilton, gotta carry me home. So full, so far gone, forgot where I parked and lost my iPhone.**

Almost an hour later, both pilots were several drinks in. They were both past tipsy and were feeling pretty good. The wolf had been coming and going, clearly wanting to hang out with them, but not wanting to be obnoxious at the same time. But most of all, he wanted to make sure neither of them were out of drinks. He made sure the alcohol kept flowing.

**Still lookin' good and pretty, bad bitch in every city. Rocks, diamonds, I got plenty, ice for the cup, now pour in the Henney.**

"Fox! Let's go dance!!" said Krystal in a voice much louder than was necessary.

"Alright. I won't pass up the chance to get up on that," said Fox in a slurred fashion.

Taking his hand, Krystal jumped up and dragged Fox onto the floor. The two immediately began grinding to the beat of the music and sloppily groping each other. The grey wolf took note of the two from across the room. They were both definitely drunk, and he was on his way as well.

**Escorted in the club, I brought the whole team. Ain't no guesses, it's a rockstar theme. Everybody lookin' of course it's the queen, they admirin' the crown and the ten-carat ring.**

Fox and Krystal were dancing and laughing with each other for some time. The alcohol had more time to make its way into their systems and they were both pretty intoxicated. They were both acting stupidly and having a good time for themselves. After a while, they headed back to the bar for another round of drinks, where the grey wolf met them.

When Krystal saw him, her eyes got bigger and she shouted, "Hey…you!!" She wasn't sure what to call him. "We want more!" She then gave him a sloppy hug and started slumping into him, unable to stand on her own too well.

The wolf laughed and said, "Ok. Bartender!" And with that, three more shot glasses hit the table.

**I'm known for pimpin' these rappers, I should get an Oscar award for my actin'. When they actually think that I'm feelin' 'em, that's when I take they money, and I'm killin' 'em. **

Fox had gone to the bathroom to try and get rid of some of the massive amount of liquid that was now in his system. With him gone, the grey wolf made his move. The liquid confidence in his veins didn't hurt either.

With labored words, he said, "Krystal…I want to tell you something."

The blue vixen giggled for no reason. Yeah, she was drunk.

"I…think you're really…really pretty. And…I want to go home with you…like…a lot."

Krystal started laughing uncontrollably. The wolf in his drunken state took this as a good sign. He moved in to kiss her, and expected Krystal to do the same. But she didn't. Instead, he totally missed, and his open mouth met her eye.

Krystal started flailing in her chair, confused about what was happening. "Ahh!! What the fuck!! Get off my eye!!"

Realizing what he was doing, the wolf backed off. He drunkenly said, "I thought you wanted it! I wanted to…wanted to kiss you"

"Ugh! Eww! What the shit?! I just wanted drinks and you paid for them!"

"What?" He felt rejected, and became a bit angry in his drunken state. "Fine then! I'm not buying you shit anymore!" he said with an over exaggerated hand motion. "Piss off!" And with that, he walked away.

Fox returned and ordered two more shots. Neither of them were quite done drinking yet, even though they'd have to start paying for them on their own now.

**I got a bottle, I got a cup, I got ice, so what's up? Walk in the club wearin' superstar clothes, feelin' like money 'cause I collect dough. Moe, miney, meenie, inny, who's got Patron and Henney?**

The drinking continued. The two were laughing about everything and clearly drunk. Both of them were heavily slurring their words and unable to dance in a coordinated manner, but that didn't stop them from trying. It was now deep into the night and the couple had already spent several hours at the club.

**Watch me get ghost in the Phantom, somethin' like a pimp like David Banner. M I crooked letter, crooked letter I, crooked letter, crooked letter I, humpback, humpback.**

"Krystal," Fox said through a fit of laughter. "What the fuck did you just say?"

More gibberish ensued. She was getting pretty sloppy.

"Alright…alright," said Fox stopping his dancing. "I think you've had enough!" he shouted through slurred words and erratic arm gestures.

Krystal laughed and said, "You too asshole!!"

Fox laughed uncontrollably in return. They were both totally gone.

"Let's fuckin' get outta here. I need to puke," said Fox.

"Not near me you're not you little shitfuck!"

"Shitfuck?" Fox asked before laughing again.

**I am so off the chain. Spyin' bottles ain't a thang. Plus I'm gonna make it rain so much money they think she's insane. **

As the two were making their way towards the door, Krystal was high-fiving everyone in her path. Most of them were confused, but some were just as drunk and eagerly slapped her hand in return. Fox could only laugh and push her along towards the exit.

When they were finally outside, Fox had Krystal by the wrist and was dragging her along the sidewalk.

Krystal said, "Wait…what the fuck? Walking??"

Fox threw his hands in the air and said, "Well shit! What else are we going to do? Fly?"

"Shut up! You suck when you're drunk."

"Yeah, well you do too…literally," Fox said before erupting into a fit of laughter. Krystal's mouth was stupidly hanging open, and she had an angry look on her face.

"Shut up! Don't say that shit in public!" She pushed him lightly, but in Fox's drunken state, he tripped over himself and fell over on the sidewalk.

As soon as he fell, the two heard a roar of laughter coming from the street. They looked over to see Falco standing next to a convertible laughing to the point where he couldn't breathe.

Fox pulled himself slowly and clumsily to his feet and said, "Falco? Shit! Why the fuck are you here!?"

Falco had to try and stop himself from laughing before he could talk. Both pilots could tell from his uncontrollable giggling that he was pretty drunk too. At least he wasn't the one driving the car.

Eventually, the avian said with slurred words, "I saw you two…fuckin' falling over each other and wanted to get your asses home. I got Slippy here to come get me." He pointed to the annoyed-looking toad in the driver's seat. "So come on! Get the hell in!!"

As the two walked over to Falco and the car, Krystal said, "Falco, have you been drinking? You look f'ed up."

"I can't remember because I'm too drunk!" replied the bird.

Krystal started to get in the car, but Fox just stood there with his arms crossed. He shook his head and said, "No!"

Falco said, "What?"

"No." Fox pointed at Falco's face. "You think you can just…just show up and take us back! What the fuck! What if I wanted to walk?"

Falco walked around his captain and said, "Shut up you drunk asshole." With that, the bird pushed Fox into the side of the car. With another push, Fox fell over the side and into the open convertible. With him writhing around on the floor of the car, Krystal just couldn't stop from breaking into maniacal laughter. Falco was laughing too, but still had to help Krystal into the back of the car as well. He just picked her up and dropped her on the backseat.

After everyone was inside, Falco said, "Alright Slippy, get us the fuck home. I'm feeling like I'm gonna pass the hell out soon."

**You a seven digit n**** if you hollah at a brah, with a seven digit figga, you should come in by the bar. I'm talkin' buyin' bottles, Cavalli Vodka. I'm wet and hot like lava. **

"What the fuck did you just say to me Fox?" asked Falco. The captain was still on the floor of the car unable to get himself onto the seat. Falco looked behind him over the seat to take a look, only to see Fox passed out, facedown on the floor.

"Damn dude, you're fucked."

**I'm switchin' four lanes in the Range, hangin' out the roof talkin' money ain't a thang. Comin' all out my shirt on champagne, damn, lil' Miss Trina off the chain.**

Krystal was still having a good time for herself. As the convertible sped down the road, she was leaning out of the roof and screaming for no apparent reason. She was attracting quite a bit of attention from people on the sidewalk.

Slippy shouted, "Krystal! Shut the fuck up before I punch you right in the face!!"

Krystal yelled back, "Shut up you cocksucker!"

"Just don't get us pulled over ok? If we get arrested, I swear I'm never talking to you again."

Krystal didn't even respond, just went right back to shouting at pedestrians.

**I got a bottle, I got a cup, I got ice, so what's up? Walk in the club wearin' superstar clothes, feelin' like money 'cause I collect dough. Moe, miney, meenie, inny, who's got Patron and Henney?**

Krystal's craziness ensued. She just kept shouting and generally being belligerent as the car sped down the road. Slippy was mentally kicking himself at the moment. He had thought for a split second that bringing the convertible might lead to this, but his desire to drive the drop-top was too strong. But now, he was severely regretting that decision. He knew that all of this was awful PR for the team and Peppy would be horribly angry with all of them if he found out about this. The only thing he could do now was keep driving and make it back to where the Great Fox was docked before anything else happened.

**I don't splurge, I spend, drive a pearl Phantom. I'm so stanky stanky, rich my damn dog drive a Benz. **

Slippy had given up on trying to subdue Krystal. Now he was just speeding through the streets of Corneria City trying to get back to the Great Fox as fast as he could. He thought it was a good plan up until he looked into his rearview mirror and saw blue and red flashing lights. His heart stopped. The team was being pulled over, and he was alone in the car with three drunk people, one of whom was passed out, one of whom was currently screaming at pedestrians, and another who was rather overtly spiteful of the police. Slippy saw no choice but to pull over.

"Fuck my life…" Slippy said putting his head to the steering wheel once he had stopped.

**Powder blue diamond shoes, shinin' suits, Liberachi boo. Stuntin' on you like boo who you. I'm an icon, bitch, I thought you knew.**

"Good evening, sir. Know how fast you were going?" Slippy removed his head from the steering wheel to look up at the cop who had pulled him over. She was a red-furred vixen dressed in full blues, complete with a pair of aviator sunglasses.

"Umm…that was the least of my concerns…" Slippy said. Before he even finished his words, Fox had gotten off the floor of the car and began puking over the side onto the sidewalk. Slippy didn't even break his stare on the cop while she turned to look at the drunken pilot.

**I only drop bombs, haters be like unh-unh. Girl who she think she is? I'm is what you want me is.**

The policewoman turned back around to Slippy who was still looking directly at her, apparently showing no great concern for the fox in the back seat. She said, "You know public intoxication is a crime right?" Her face became much more stern, and Slippy could tell she wasn't one to screw around.

"Oh no, he's not drunk," Slippy said turning around to watch Fox continue puking. "He's just had the flu lately is all."

"Oh really?" asked the cop sarcastically. "Then explain to me this woman who was screaming from your backseat just a moment ago."

"Uhh…" Slippy started to say until Krystal decided to chime in.

The blue vixen started shouting while throwing her hands up, "Look at me everyone!! I'm Mrs. Police Bitch and I haven't gotten laid in years!" Krystal turned and arched her back over the front seat, putting her head upside down in between Falco and Slippy. She stretched out her arms and shouted, "I wear my sunglasses at night because I love power trips and I have nothing better to do!! WOO!!!!"

Slippy slowly turned his head from Krystal to the policewoman with a rather flabbergasted look on his face. The cop was now even more pissed off and was staring down the toad.

"Care to explain that one then?" said the red vixen in a rather harsh tone.

"Umm…" Slippy started, when he looked just past the woman to what was behind her. He slowly put his hand to his mouth and whispered, "Oh…my…god…"

Wondering what he was looking at, the cop turned around to look. She saw nothing but pedestrians walking on the sidewalk behind her. Trying to find what it is the toad had seen, she suddenly jolted back around. She saw the car about half a block down the road with the sound of squealing rubber still echoing in her ears.

**Girl, I don't want yo man but I'll take yo man. Yo man and his friends, they both my fans. You don't understand, Miss Demeanor ain't playin'. When we go out to eat, I got yo man payin'**

"Slippy are you for real? Shit dude, you're in deep now haha!" said Falco as he started laughing. As soon as the cop turned around, Slippy gunned it. He knew that their careers would be all but over if the majority of the team were arrested for public intoxication. He could only take the chance that the woman didn't recognize them. He sped down the road, now seeing the blue and red lights in his mirror. He quickly turned down a side street trying to shake her. But after a few seconds, he saw that she was still on his tail. This was bad. Slippy had to lose the cop for the sake of his team, and the fact that he didn't want to be arrested for evading arrest.

Slippy turned down a few more streets, still unable to completely shake the cop car. When none of those maneuvers worked, he suddenly came up with an idea. After speeding up and gaining a bit of distance, he quickly made a sharp left, pulling the parking brake at the same time. Drifting around the corner, Slippy saw his chance. A few yards away was an alley opening, what he'd hoped to see after his dangerous turn. Applying just the right amount of gas, Slippy managed to slip the car into the alley, where he quickly killed the lights and shut off the engine. Holding his breath, he waited to hear the siren get closer. He turned around to see the blue and red lights fly past the alley and down the street they were just on. It worked perfectly.

Krystal stood up in the back seat and threw her arms in the air while saying, "Holy shit Slippy!! Where the hell did you learn that!?"

Slippy stood up as well and angrily turned to face the vixen, "I wouldn't have had to learn that if you would've just shut the fuck up!! Didn't I tell you we were going to get pulled over you fucking lunatic!!"

Krystal was getting angry at her teammate. "What? You want some of this?" she said pounding her fists to her chest. "Bring it, bitch!!"

Slippy just let out an angered scream before punching Krystal right in the side of the face. The vixen never saw it coming and immediately collapsed in a heap on top of the unconscious Fox on the floor of the backseat.

"I told you to shut the fuck up!!" Slippy shouted at the knocked out Krystal. Falco leaned over his seat to look at the damage, before breaking out into laughter.

"Holy shit dude!" the drunken falcon said. "You just punched out Krystal!"

Slippy was still obviously pissed as hell as he started the car back on. He said, "Yeah, well, maybe now she'll actually shut the fuck up."

Not another word was said, and Falco just kept laughing as Slippy backed the car out of the alley. He sped off down the opposite way from which the cop originally went. He drove off into the city towards the Great Fox, swearing to himself that he'd never let the team go out drinking again.

**I got a bottle, I got a cup, I got ice, so what's up? Walk in the club wearin' superstar clothes, feelin' like money 'cause I collect dough. Moe, miney, meenie, inny, who's got Patron and Henney?**


End file.
